"I should be leaving soon."You say this to me, and my world just about crashes down. My ears twitch at the sentance to take it all in, even as my chest feels tighter and it becames harder to breathe. It seems so easy for you to say this as you lay on the grass with her hands folded behind your head. You won't look at me as you speak. If you'd look at me now, you would see my eyes widen.
"Soon," is your short reply.
I must have been the reason for your decision. I must have done something wrong. I'm errupting with... with questions and... emotions, and thoughts... "But..." My eyes flicker to the ground, to you and then away as I think of something that might keep you here. "The festival's coming." I'm graping at straws. I'm in a state of shock.
"That doesn't matter," you reply. No, I suppose it wouldn't, to a Teeri. I fall to my knees next to you, and our eyes meet for the first time in minutes.
"But... why?" So simple, but it is all I can manage to ask. I know my voice cracked slightly, and my eyes are shining with unshed tears.
"Because I've done what I came here to do." Just then, there seems to be so much to say, and not enough words to say them with. I wish to go back to the library. All of those books.... There has to be something there with the words to express how much I don't want you to leave me, and to show what you've done to my life. Your hand comes up, touching my arm and then my face, and for the smallest of moments, I think maybe you've changed your mind.
But I am a fool.
"Well, what was that?" I ask, curious by nature even though I regret asking.
"Remember how I said I had another brother?"
"The not Frou?" I tilt my head downwards and close my eyes against the tears that want to come. Your voice sounds so determined to tell me, so determined to say goodbye. "... yes."
"Well, I came to find him, and I did." There seemed to be more that you want to say, so I stay silent. It wasn't as if there was anything I could add to this to make things better. "And he's changed," you say next. I look at you, and I see that maybe you're sad to leave me. My hand overlaps yours even as it remains on my cheek, the only thing that feels like comfort since I could remember that isn't from my brother.
"And... you're leaving together?" You scoff at this.
"Pfft. No, he's staying." I wonder then, why you couldn't stay as well, why it seems so easy for you to want to leave. I try and calculate how many detentions I would have been willing to serve if only you'd stay with me, but I couldn't quite count that high. "But of course, I would love nothing better than to leave with you instead," you say as your other hand touches my iother cheek and my head is in your hands. I am forced to look at you, even though I was already.
I stand at this, my insides churning so badly and my heart beating so fast now. "No, I can't do that." There are now so many reasons I needed to stay and less and less reasons why I wanted to stay. I watch as you struggle to sit up, but only make it to your elbows as you look at me properly.
"You can do whatever you want. You're as free as a bird." Again with your strange talk. It is what makes me like and fear you sometimes.No, not you. Never you. Maybe what you represent. Either way, I don't want to get into another discussion about walls.
"Birds aren't free," I say as I walk a few steps away from you. Maybe if I leave now, you leaving me won't hurt so much.
"Look, nevermind. I mean do what you want. If you want to stay here, I'll wait for you, until you're ready." I want to turn around and tell you that I might not ever be ready, or that I wouldn't interest you when I am, but I couldn't say a single thing. My words have left me completely now.
I don't know what I want...
But I don't want you to leave me.
You've opened my eyes and my heart, and though I still can't say it, you've got to see it in my eyes or hear it in my voice, don't you? Don't you?